And you thought that blacks were doing the hundreds of murders every year in Chicago (750 this year, I recall).
Nope, the Russians did it. The CIA says so.
Sources in the CIA tell LRC that the carnage that has killed thousands of Chicagoans in Obama’s American hometown since 2008 has been caused by Russian gangs working from submarines located underwater in Lake Michigan just east of Midway Airport in Chicago.
“Russia’s hackers have used cutting-edge digital technology to enter the city undetected, it’s like amazing,” said a CIA source, one of several agency specialists who spend most of their time placing stories in the leak-friendly media. “The Russian agents have state-of-the-art digital camouflage that makes them look totally like Americans,” she explained. “They are virtually undetected. They can hijack SUV’s with tinted windows, drive around town shooting up the place and get back to the sub, all without a hitch. It’s been going on for years.”
When asked how the operation was kept secret, she became agitated.
“No one cares! They kill people on the streets, kids sitting on porches, even families sleeping in their homes,” she replied breathlessly. “They kill hundreds of people a year, and no one seems to care.”
Why are the most advertised Gold and Silver coins NOT the best way to invest?
The irate CIA agent knows that she is risking her job – and possibly a stiff jail sentence like General Petraeus – by spilling the beans. “Yes, it’s true – the Agency has known about this for years,” she says, “but secrecy required that we remain silent – until now.”
Our anonymous clandestine source is pulling back the curtain on one of the most violent crime waves in recent American history, but the risk is worth it, she insists. “For years, Mayor Emmanuel and others in city government have done nothing to stop these shootings,” she says. “They blame the murders on illegal guns and call for more gun control, but that’s useless. Of course, the guns are illegal! That damned submarine is loaded with 9mm handguns, 45’s, 38’s, and, of course, AK-47’s – thousands of them. All of them made in Russia!”
“It’s not guns killing those people,” she continues passionately, almost in tears, “it’s the Russians. And the American people have a right to know!”
When asked why she thinks her information, now vouched for by the CIA, will change anything, she is blunt: “Look, most of those politicians have thought for years that all those murders were just African Americans killing other African Americans. For Chicago pols, that’s just another day at the office. Now that they know that it’s the Russians, I’m sure they’ll do something.”
When this reporter suggested that her claims might be met with some skepticism, she became adamant: “Look,” she said, “just last week I planted the story in the Washington Post about how the Russians had gotten Donald Trump elected. And guess what happened? That palaver went around the world in a flash! President Obama even asked us to investigate – isn’t that rich? As if we didn’t plant the story in the first place! Now Chuckie Schumer has demanded hearings – we knew he’d bite. And all the media – well, all the media that supported Hillary, anyway, which is most of them – they’re all trumpeting that story day after day.
“Come on, that story was just about votes,” she continues. “But stopping the killings in Chicago will actually save lives – and now that we know the enemy – Trump’s pal Putin and his old friends from the KGB – I think the government will finally do something.”
This satire has about as much credibility as the story that broke today, saying that Russian hackers tried to hijack a Vermont electric company.
Read that silly “fake news” at NBC News.